Branch On The Vine

By: Alli Matthews

Today is mine and Evan’s three year wedding anniversary, so I thought I would do something a little different for this week’s blog. Evan and I will each share three things we have learned in our three short years of marriage. 

So, yes, I know, the title technically lies. We are sharing six total things we have learned as a team, but each of our three things are individual to us, okay!

Disclaimer: we are far from having marriage figured out. We are not experts at all, but it’s fun to reflect on the lessons we’ve learned and give you the opportunity to learn from the lessons we have learned ourselves.  

I’ll start with quoting and then providing explanation for Evan’s three things he has learned in our three years of marriage:

1. “PA school sucks. It steals wives away.” – Evan Matthews

We send our deepest condolences to the spouses and partners of grad students. 

I’m partially kidding. Physician assistant school was a part of most of our marriage, (2.5 years), so both Evan and I had to learn to cope with having limited time together. We spent many nights having our only quality time being dinner itself because I had too much studying to do to help make the food or clean up. 

Evan was a superstar husband in the trenches of PA school. I don’t know how I would have survived without him. He cooked, cleaned, worked, and cared for an often stressed and exhausted wife (and eventually a high energy beagle mix that she convinced him to get). 

But I know he wished we could have spent more time together during that season. I felt the same way. What helped us through those 2.5 years was truly valuing the moments we had together and remembering that the season would not last forever. God was so faithful and gracious to provide for us not only financially, but He gave us an amazing church and many sweet friends that supported us. 

2. “There’s a cure for being hangry. It’s food.” – Evan Matthews

I don’t have the exact statistics, but many of our arguments begin when somebody is very hungry. That may sound silly, but it’s just what happens. 

Thankfully, over three years of marriage, we have learned to recognize when ourselves or the other person may be grumpy due to needing to eat or being dehydrated. This is when we strive to give each other a little extra grace. 

3. “Date nights are good because it allows you to be intentional about continuing to get to know each other.” – Evan Matthews

We love date nights! I think they were important when we lived alone, but they are absolutely essential while we are living with Evan’s family. They help us prioritize each other. They remind us that we are more than roommates. Our goal from the beginning of our marriage is to make date nights a priority about once per week throughout our marriage. We already have fallen short of this goal and know we will probably do so in the future, but having it as a goal allows us to hold each other accountable to strive for it. 

One thing to note, date nights do not require spending large amounts of money. Sometimes the best date night conversations come from going for a walk in a park or a random neighborhood. 

Another thing, they obviously don’t have to be at night. We love going out to breakfast. The important thing is that we are making intentional time to spend with just each other. Like Evan said, date nights help us to continue learning about each other and allow us to have fun together. 

Now I’ll transition to three things that I have learned in our three years of marriage. Mine aren’t quite as funny as Evan’s, but knowing them has helped me to slowly but surely become a better wife. 

1. Praying for your spouse is critical.

I feel like I often hear people chat about this on Christian podcasts about marriage, and they talk about how God changes the heart of the spouse being prayed for or convicts them of the thing their spouse is praying about. This definitely happens, but in my experience, God has more often used my prayers for Evan to change my own heart. He usually reminds me to give him grace and that my reasons for getting upset might be selfish rather than him doing something wrong. God works through my prayers for my husband to make me a more loving wife.

“ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

James 5:16

2. Apologize and forgive quickly to prevent wasting time, energy, and peace. 

In conflict, the more quickly someone gives up the desire to be right and stops feeding his or her pride, the sooner the problem gets solved. Evan and I both strongly dislike conflict, but it is a guaranteed part of marriage. 

I find that when I’m in the wrong, it’s better to apologize sincerely and quickly rather than give a bunch of excuses for why I did what I did. Things go better when we take time to listen to each other. I’m thankful to have a husband who is quick to forgive. 

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

James 1:19-20

3. Things that come easily in dating don’t always come easily in marriage. 

This is a broad statement, but I think it is helpful to acknowledge. 

An example is having interest in the things your spouse is interested in. For me, this came naturally in dating, but now, I don’t always want to talk about Star Wars or legos. However, my husband loves that stuff, so not only do I still push myself to listen to him talk about it, but I try to ask him questions about it and match his level of enthusiasm even if it’s not my favorite topic. 

He does the same for me too. He is less interested in Taylor Swift than he was while we were dating, but he listened to her whole new album with me as we drove to Tennessee a couple weeks ago. And it made me feel very loved because it’s a 31-song album and took hours to get through. 

Part of the reason for things that were easy in dating not always coming easily in marriage is that marriage is a long-term relationship. You exit the “honeymoon stage” at some point, and that’s when I think the love becomes more genuine than ever before. You have to choose to continue loving your spouse every single day even when the feelings of infatuation aren’t constantly pumping in your brain. 

Another theory that I recently heard was that Satan does not have the goal of breaking up dating relationships as much as he does for marriages. He is a thief, liar, and destroyer of all things good and beautiful – things that God loves. God loves marriage and family because he crafted them. It makes sense that Satan would want to wreck marriages and tear apart families. 

“‘“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’”

Matthew 19:5-6

To conclude, Evan and I are so grateful to have had three wonderful years of marriage so far and for learning all that we have in this time. I remember praying about the man I would date next after a break up. I told God that I didn’t want to date another guy until I had as much fun with him as I did with Evan Matthews. God made it clear that I could only have that much fun dating Evan Matthews himself. So we got married. 

Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, or married, God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. He created marriage to represent the intimacy God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have as well as the intimacy that He has with the church. Like a groom loves his bride, Jesus Christ loves you as you are. He loves you so much that He made a way for you to know Him through his death on the cross to redeem you from your brokenness. All you have to do is let Him into your heart and life. Praise the Lord for being so loving and kind. 

“…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.”

Isaiah 62:5